You’re Not a Toaster, But You’re Wired

(Originally published 4/4/2011 on the essay site, This is the Deal.)

Twenty-one pedophile priests got busted in Pennsylvania recently. And Good Morning to you too!

When this happened in the past it was scandalous. Now people exercise a jaw breaking yawn, asking why this keeps happening and are not satisfied with the answer. This is because they ignore the basic issues of their own wiring. Being honest here, will explain why this can’t be “fixed.” In other words, we all know what we like sexually. Don’t kid yourselves.

When this priest phenomenon began, I saw some interesting interviews with current and ex-clergy. They all had the same story which was they thought they could hide their urges in the Catholic Church and that the suppression would eventually make these feelings go away. The challenge is that urges are like a pimple on a girl; the more make-up she applies to cover it up the more the zit spreads. It will come out in other pores and get infected, spreading the nasty zit oil to other parts of her face. I don’t wear make-up, so this is solely based on observation, conjecture and supposition. So there’s that…

Until the year 1074 priests could marry but Pope Gregory VII didn’t like wives taking over the parish when a priest died or have her act in any authoritarian capacity. The good pope said anyone to be ordained must first pledge celibacy and, “Priests must first escape from the clutches of their wives.” This was also the beginning of modern day bowling.

Now, the apostle Paul suggests celibacy saying that, “But I say to the unmarried and to the widows; it is good for them if they remain even as I am but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” – 1 Corinthians 7:8-9. This is as strong as language gets on the subject and it was not a commandment, rather Paul just thought it’d be a good idea. I mean if Jesus was married, could you imagine? “You’re out all hours with 12 guys, praying in the woods? You know what my mother is saying?” His wife would bray…

But Pope Gregory VII took this verse and ran with it because he could conveniently have a “vision” and declare to the illiterate masses that those who serve the church are to be celibate. How would they figure it out? They don’t read! Also, the basic idea of Popes is that they are directly ordained by Jesus through Peter, etc. Of course, Martin Luther’s revelations were still a good four hundred years away. Still, this is so wildly fucked up on so many, many levels but let’s start with a couple.

Remember the zit analogy? Good. I know it’s gross but hey, sexual desires are kind of like that, especially in men. The issue of wiring and rehabilitation come up and I have to laugh because you cannot re-wire someone who is fucked up or has certain appetites. If a guy liked small boys when he was small, he may like them today. If a guy liked Superman instead of Lois Lane as a boy, he probably likes Superman still and he probably likes him a lot. If he really enjoyed hurting small animals, then he probably ended up being Jeffery Dahmer or Dick Cheney, who by the way is cool with gay marriage…

Most of us are lucky in that our tastes hover in the 18 and over range. Gay or straight, you’re good here and so are the laws, thankfully. This is important for like, jobs and staying out of jail and stuff. Two consenting adults can do whatever the fuck they want because well, they’re adults. See, we have certain rules that we agree on as a society that are irrevocable; murder, rape, theft, child abuse, that kind of thing. Anything else that does not involve someone being hurt or having their freedoms violated is not up for negotiation as it really is their business.

The challenge is when those peccadilloes run into territory not sanctioned by the vox populi and that is where one can run into trouble. That’s where the priest is getting conned. See, sex is part of who a person is; if it’s wrong, they only show remorse when they get caught. This shit is seeded deep into the psyche and no amount of time in seminary is going to change that. Understand, I’m not saying to “accept them as they are,” far from it. However, they’re kidding themselves if they think they won’t get found out or hurt innocent kids. Since child abuse is a purely unmitigated rights violation on children, these people should pay for those violations.

I’m lucky. My tastes run the standard consenting adult route.

Thus, I posit this; if enjoying the sight of a woman in black thong panties, with strappy four inch heels, wearing a ribbon around her boobs were socially unacceptable or illegal, I’d be marched off to the anti-women-in-black-thong-panties-wearing-strappy-four-inch-heels-wearing-a-ribbon-around-her-boobs gulag and fucking hung the next day! The threat of death won’t change that. I can’t change that. That gets me off, so I can’t unlearn it, nor can you unlearn what you like. How do I know? Glad you asked as I’m cursed with a long memory and a strong concept for wiring…

When I was three years old, we lived in an apartment building and our upstairs neighbor was this nurse (of course, she had to be a nurse!) named Carol. Red hair, blue eyes, long legs, she was an alabaster goddess in a green MG convertible. I was three years old and boy did I like her! I had no idea why, only that she was a chick and she was not my mom. Two points for Carol!

I knew the sound of her car, her steps up the stair case and I always gave her a couple commercials between cartoons to change into her shorts, which I liked a lot for some reason. I ran up the stairs with my little cowboy boots and Ricky Ricardo, dippity-do hair cut. Carol would open the door, smile big, say, “There’s my little boyfriend!” She’d pinch my chubby cheeks, tell me how cute I was and then ask my mom if she could take me for candy. My mom, God bless her heart always said yes! She knew! I was the little pimp as toddler, riding with my woman! Candy, dammit, now! My rap handle around the ‘hood was ‘lil pimp.’ Of course, this was a full twenty years before rap but that’s me, Captain Vision…

Back to my pithy theory…

I was a baby and as such I had no idea why I liked women or Carol. Then puberty kicked in and everything suddenly made sense as the plumbing flowed; Carol the nurse, Lois Lane from the Superman TV show, Charlie’s Angels, Wonder Woman, Teresa Fernandez (sorry Teresa, if you’re reading this) in my 7th grade cooking class, everything! So, I’m in no position, as you can see, to tell someone what their appetites should or should not be.

However, this is where we get into trouble. See, because you are not superior to me and as such are susceptible to the “lust of the flesh,” as it were…

We seem to think we can “fix” people and as such some are stupid enough to think they can fix themselves. Newsflash, pedophiles! You are screwed and you can’t change your wiring. I suggest that you check yourself into a prison or hospital or take your own life before you hurt kids. Those are your options. No, I’m not kidding.
On another note, church folks, that goes for gay people. Leave them alone, they’re fine and don’t need your “help,” so mind your own Snapples.

This opinion is solely my own. You may agree or not and I personally could give a shit. But it is this; if you have to express concern over the so-called issue of gay people and their proclivities then you’re homophobic. “Sorry,” said the straight man but it’s true. If they’re over 18 and want to join the Army, marry and buy a house and even adopt, who am I to say what’s right? Since the batting average for fucked up people coming from “straight homes” is pretty high, I say let the gay folks have a shot at raising kids! I can have judgment or an opinion, for myself but I am in zero position to judge anyone. My only judgment rests in who is actually harmed.

What is the gay community doing to me or you, by living their lives? Just asking.

That being said, when my Christian friends (and this is not to pick on any one belief system, but they love, love, love to bring this shit up) mention it, it’s always a sin and can be cured by choice if they turn to God. Therefore, the sinner’s choice is to turn away from God and live in sin and all that. Huh? Choice? What the fuck are they talking about?

First of all, my idea of “sinner’s choice” would be taking Salma Hayek doggy style while she’s still married but I’m a rebel. Secondly, I have to ask, “Choice? Really?” Let’s see if I have this right; I’m straight but I choose to stare at a man’s hairy ass, say this is love, endure the employment bullshit, deal with ignorant fucktards, tell my parents, get verbally and physically abused and risk getting murdered on a camping trip with said hypothetical boyfriend by a bunch of inbred psychos who followed us after we got gas and, let me make sure I have this right, I chose this? I see…

Wiring is survival. You will go and do what is in your make up to do, legal or not. It is not natural for man to be celibate, in any way, and it is just plain stupid to think that anyone would choose that as a lifestyle for life if there wasn’t something terribly amiss. Those priests who are good guys masturbate a lot and that’s not really fair. By the way, please file away the anecdotal evidence to the contrary in the ‘that-only-happens-to-one-in-a-million’ file. Those stories are up there with the lady who lifted the bus off her kid or fell out of a plane and lived. Meanwhile, we have egregious cases of abuse in the thousands that warrants every question I just asked, so let’s get to those first.